We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
