if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
