I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
