Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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