i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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