I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
