i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
what day is it and did you see me today?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
