even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
