Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
