Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
