I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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