I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
