My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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