So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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