why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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