just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
