i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
