your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
