I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
