hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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