I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They should really pass out barf bags in church
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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