Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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