the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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