The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
