fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
