I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
