I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
