i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
