dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
