i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
