just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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