Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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