I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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