I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
