i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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