ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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