im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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