My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
