Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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