Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think I am morally bankrupt
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
