my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
