She's JV to your varsity
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
