Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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