Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
