Someone shit on the floor
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
