The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
