so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
