someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
