I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
