i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
