You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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