what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
