I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
