woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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